Hmm...Don't know where and what to start...just...just...wana blog about my past...my family...some bad stuff...some good stuff...
Guess most of you who knows me, will know about my background...complicated...like i always think...everyone has a different kind of background...a background that either makes them mature and independent...or a background that makes them childish and spoilt...and yup...i'm in the first category i guess...and i Thank God for it!
God has a plan for each and every one of our lives even before we were born! That's why...He planned that i'll be in this current family...He planned that i will know Him during my school days (pri n sec sch)...and He planned that i will accept Him and be devoted 18+ yrs after i was born...and He also planned that i will be serving Him with all my heart thereafter...and always...till the 2nd coming...
When i was young and immature...i always thought i hate my parents for not wanting me...leaving me in a family where i'm scolded everyday for nothing...where boys ('brothers') are always much much favoured than me...i totally hate that feeling...i totally hate being there...i always feel soo unloved...ever since i was born...in my teen years...i've been constantly seeking for love out there...attached at an early age of 13 (or 14 i think)...after each relationship...will be another in no more than 1 month...always hates being at home...cos i know that if i'm home, i will get scolded (by my 'mum')...but if i am always out..i will also get scolded...arghh...life just sucks at that time...i never really remember any happy moments during my childhood...
I love being in school...cos i have my friends...i joined the Christian Fellowship in primary school..and i enjoyed it...we have chapel services every week...it was fun...i wanted to go church...but can't...cos parents don't allow...life still goes on though...many ups and downs...many moments where i wana end my life too (during break ups, quarrellings, friendship problems, canot tahan family stuff like getting scolded for nothing etc)...i am always not afraid of death...but i know...each time...there's a voice stopping me from doing these stupid things...a voice i actually never really notice much...but the pulling sensation of stopping me is great...i didnt go ahead in the end each time...i didnt really notice why...
It was when i was JC1 (end) that i received a call (or sms?) from Jinlun...my secondary school friend...to attend church (VFC)...i don't mind going...cos i was exposed to Christianity when i was young...but...my mother wouldnt allow me to go...i will have to complete my A'Levels first then i can make my own decisions...after A'Levels...i lived my own life...clubbing...meeting people...not relationship kind of relationships...(i still keep a distance and know my limits though)...it's just like a life of darkness...then came another call...guess who? Jinlun again...inviting me to church again...i was reluctant...already living in the world...y would i want it changed?but...God is amazing...you just wouldnt be able to comprehend how He does things...at first...i literally dragged myself to church...and said i would only go if i can wake up, and try to go only once in 2 wks (Sunday service)...but...i amazingly wake up at 730am every sunday! without fail! which made me 'no choice' but to go church since i'm up so early...so...from once in 2 wks...become every week...from only Sunday...to including Saturdays too...and this has been on for the past 4-5yrs...
God changed me totally...for the better...and i've became more matured about things in my life...i learn to think...and accept...and give thanks...
I began to think of my past...i think i am really childish...why do i hate both my families? why should i hate my life? i should love it! i began to realise how actually blessed i was (i did thought abt it earlier but not in depth)...i always thought about the unhappy things and things i was angry about...but did i think of others? no...you know...in my 20 over yrs in life, in this family, we've always have a maid most of the time...this means i need not do housework etc...i have a place to stay despite my background and being unwanted...i'm able to attend school (and through school, i know God bit by bit...)...i've always good food to eat...and most important of all, i've got a 'dad' who loves me and who wants me when nobody wants me when i was born...he accpeted my into the family although my 'mum' strongly disagrees...i thank God for him cos he loves me...and is always so strict on me...cos he's worried for me...and cos he's strict on me, i did not turn out to be any 'loose' woman that i might have been since i've been in many relationships...
[I really love my 'dad' alot...i am really thankful for what he has done nearly 24yrs ago...i know i can never be able to repay that...but...just like him and any other typical chinese family...i am not good at expressing...since young i don't receive hugs from parents or brothers...so i would never do that even for now...i never hear or say any ' i love yous' since young...so it doesn't happen now too...and because i do not know how to express even though i am really thankful and i really love this family...it has caused many misunderstandings and quarrels between me and my 'dad'...i am always thought of as someone who do not love him and the family...am someone who only cares about her friends...SIGH...sad...my dad doesn't understand...he always gets angry with me...sad..]
Life is so different ever since i really accepted Christ...though in the first part, i wasnt as devoted...and i even 'disappeared' from Net (cell groups) etc for abt 1 yr...but since then...i fully devoted myself to God...i served in ministries...i joined the Youth Ministry...i really have great passion for the Youths...always wanted to be a good example to them.and also hopefully able to lead them to getting closer to God...took me another few years before i became a leader...now i'm a leader...really happy...but...the gap (age) between me and the youths are getting bigger...find myself so difficult to click with them...but still my heart for them is to see them grow...now i'm doing what God wants me to do...thereafter, i guess will be time for transition to a new season in my life..
I love God...i really really love God...and i also kow God loves me...and His love for me is Unconditional...i really thank God sooo much for being in my life...for already planning this life/path for me...though i'm not happy with this life when i was young...but i'm happy it turned out this way...cos...it's God's plan...i might not be happy with some areas of my life too now...but still...i thank God for everything...man can see me now serving the Lord..always busy myself with church stuff...even my dad...always angry why i spend so much time in church...many will also see me being so firm on having to find only equally yoked partners (many people chasing me...but rejected all one by one cos all non-Christians)...but they never really know and understand why...like i said...everyone experienced a different kind of background...nobody experienced my background before...that is why they never understand...i also believe very well that God WILL definitely bless me with a man who fears and loves Him...and someone who serves Him wholeheartedly...a man who has Christ-like characters too...a man who is spiritually higher than me...so that he will be able to lead me spiritually and not stumble me...so...yup...it's ok to reject those other guys...though many are good potentials...but too bad...they are not God-fearing...i really gave my all/my whole life to God...cos it is actually His...His creation...
I really hope and pray that one day my family (esp my dad) and friends understands why i devoted so much to God...i really hope and pray that one day, they will also able to be like me, taste the goodness and love of God...they will always receive countless blessings from the Lord...and in turn, devote their whole lives to God...if they open up their hearts, and let God mould them...they will know and understand why many of us Christians obey the Word...if one day my dad is able to open up and let God change him...i believe there will be more love within the family...less misunderstandings, esp on serving the Lord...really praying hard...
[anyway, don't think that i'm very holy or what...i also do live in a dark side of my life too...but...i really really thank God that i have Him in my life...without Him interfering...i believe i will turn to hate myself to the core...God is always there...He's always there to stop and prevent me from doing more wrong...He's always there to wake me up and take me away from the world...Thank You Lord! I believe that if God is not in my life...that will be the end of me...even how strict a dad i have, i think i wouldnt be able to control myself...cos i have no God...and the devil is in me...but cos i have God in me...the devil will not dare to attack me...in fact, i have God to attack the devil for me...so...God really saved my life totally!... =) ]
Ok...i think i really have to stop writing...late...need to sleep cos got work!!!
Btw, God has been faithful all along...been recently very financially tight...and i still give as what God spoke to me for Willing Offering...God blessed me back...despite the economic downturn...Thank You Lord...at least now God not only blessed me with what i gave, He blessed me to be able to pray for part of the school fees... =)
The Lord is GOOD! AMEN!
k will stop here...take gd care..hope this story of mine will leave an impact to you...and also sow the seed in you abt how great God is...
take care...God Bless and Love you!
Siging off...
Siyin - Ann
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