it's cny...

juz let me 'complain' first b4 i talk abt cny...

sigh...sad...stress...duno wat to do...arghhhh...
my dad...duno y my dad is ALWAYS soooooo petty...i canot take it!!! always get angry with me so easily...i mean i already tried my very best to appease him...but in the meantime, i wana attend church services or do things for God...but...arghhh...i duno wat to sae lah...HELP!!!!!
yah..i know i shld surrender all to God...but...i just wana rant it all out lah...
sigh...duno y he is always angry with me...i've tried so much...tried to always be home (if some ppl noe, i will always tell them i going home first cos my dad will not e happy, etc if i'm out with them)...if not i also nv go out (i seldom go out actually) and will go home...other than my usual stuff like OT, class, Net, NL meeting, i will go home as early as i can!!! but he never appreciates...and keeps saying i am always not home...and get angry...he always expects much more whenever i've done as much as i can...hey...i've got a life of my own too..i cant possibly stay at home 24/7 rite?
sigh...juz afraid me stressing too much my dad getting angry will cause me a breakdown...i really scared i canot take it one day and juz disappear myself...hahahhaa...oopz....i love my family alot...but sometimes i really wonder i Love or izzit just FEAR? i duno...really duno...sigh..

aiya i lazy to type liao...will tok abt cny when i can...nite
bye
God Bless n love all of u!!!

continued....

Back...need to add on...

yah...was saying that my mum always scold me...especially since i was young...there were many hurtful words too, like ' no wonder nobody wants you', 'you are so ugly', and many other things...such words pierced through my heart each time...and i was very young then...can you believe/imagine how i am able to take such blow to me even at a young age?...been living such a life for over 20 yrs...however, i really thank God that at least now is not as worse as the past...ever since i started working and earning money 5yrs ago...and giving her allowance...her attitude towards me changed abit for the better...less scoldings...less crude remarks...but at times when she siao siao will be quite bad again...basically i just have to bear with her nonsense and give in to her (my dad wants me to give in to her)...

i remember i used to argue back whenever they scold me...cos most of the time she will scold me for no good reason or even when i'm not in the wrong...that is why i always want to defend myself by arguing back...i never win...they will scold me even more...i used to have a very bad temper...but i really thank God for working in me...through these...he gave me patience...for more than 1 year...i have not argued back with them...i will always just keep quiet whenever they scold me...no matter what...just as to prevent more quarrels...i think it's a good idea...cos being quiet, they will have nothing more to say...haaa...but i'm really disappointed in my dad for one thing...he never helps me whenever my mum gets angry with me...he knows her pattern...and i always and no matter what, have to give in to my mum everytime...i will always be considered as WRONG even when i'm not...and my mum...will no matter what always makes things difficult for me...sigh...and my brothers...always purposely get me into trouble...sigh...

however, i can see how my mum show love to me too...i really wana thank her for it...she will buy breakfast for me everyday without fail...except for once or twice in like a week or 2...but she will always either buy or prepare me food...i really appreciate that...really...at times she will be nice to me lah...though it will be once in a blue moon...but i still appreciate those...

hmmm...i duno what to write again...will continue if i got stuff to write...

will stop here...take care...God Bless n love u...

sign off

Siyin - Ann

Juz being....juz...juz...juz feel like blogging...

Hmm...Don't know where and what to start...just...just...wana blog about my past...my family...some bad stuff...some good stuff...

Guess most of you who knows me, will know about my background...complicated...like i always think...everyone has a different kind of background...a background that either makes them mature and independent...or a background that makes them childish and spoilt...and yup...i'm in the first category i guess...and i Thank God for it!

God has a plan for each and every one of our lives even before we were born! That's why...He planned that i'll be in this current family...He planned that i will know Him during my school days (pri n sec sch)...and He planned that i will accept Him and be devoted 18+ yrs after i was born...and He also planned that i will be serving Him with all my heart thereafter...and always...till the 2nd coming...

When i was young and immature...i always thought i hate my parents for not wanting me...leaving me in a family where i'm scolded everyday for nothing...where boys ('brothers') are always much much favoured than me...i totally hate that feeling...i totally hate being there...i always feel soo unloved...ever since i was born...in my teen years...i've been constantly seeking for love out there...attached at an early age of 13 (or 14 i think)...after each relationship...will be another in no more than 1 month...always hates being at home...cos i know that if i'm home, i will get scolded (by my 'mum')...but if i am always out..i will also get scolded...arghh...life just sucks at that time...i never really remember any happy moments during my childhood...

I love being in school...cos i have my friends...i joined the Christian Fellowship in primary school..and i enjoyed it...we have chapel services every week...it was fun...i wanted to go church...but can't...cos parents don't allow...life still goes on though...many ups and downs...many moments where i wana end my life too (during break ups, quarrellings, friendship problems, canot tahan family stuff like getting scolded for nothing etc)...i am always not afraid of death...but i know...each time...there's a voice stopping me from doing these stupid things...a voice i actually never really notice much...but the pulling sensation of stopping me is great...i didnt go ahead in the end each time...i didnt really notice why...

It was when i was JC1 (end) that i received a call (or sms?) from Jinlun...my secondary school friend...to attend church (VFC)...i don't mind going...cos i was exposed to Christianity when i was young...but...my mother wouldnt allow me to go...i will have to complete my A'Levels first then i can make my own decisions...after A'Levels...i lived my own life...clubbing...meeting people...not relationship kind of relationships...(i still keep a distance and know my limits though)...it's just like a life of darkness...then came another call...guess who? Jinlun again...inviting me to church again...i was reluctant...already living in the world...y would i want it changed?but...God is amazing...you just wouldnt be able to comprehend how He does things...at first...i literally dragged myself to church...and said i would only go if i can wake up, and try to go only once in 2 wks (Sunday service)...but...i amazingly wake up at 730am every sunday! without fail! which made me 'no choice' but to go church since i'm up so early...so...from once in 2 wks...become every week...from only Sunday...to including Saturdays too...and this has been on for the past 4-5yrs...

God changed me totally...for the better...and i've became more matured about things in my life...i learn to think...and accept...and give thanks...
I began to think of my past...i think i am really childish...why do i hate both my families? why should i hate my life? i should love it! i began to realise how actually blessed i was (i did thought abt it earlier but not in depth)...i always thought about the unhappy things and things i was angry about...but did i think of others? no...you know...in my 20 over yrs in life, in this family, we've always have a maid most of the time...this means i need not do housework etc...i have a place to stay despite my background and being unwanted...i'm able to attend school (and through school, i know God bit by bit...)...i've always good food to eat...and most important of all, i've got a 'dad' who loves me and who wants me when nobody wants me when i was born...he accpeted my into the family although my 'mum' strongly disagrees...i thank God for him cos he loves me...and is always so strict on me...cos he's worried for me...and cos he's strict on me, i did not turn out to be any 'loose' woman that i might have been since i've been in many relationships...

[I really love my 'dad' alot...i am really thankful for what he has done nearly 24yrs ago...i know i can never be able to repay that...but...just like him and any other typical chinese family...i am not good at expressing...since young i don't receive hugs from parents or brothers...so i would never do that even for now...i never hear or say any ' i love yous' since young...so it doesn't happen now too...and because i do not know how to express even though i am really thankful and i really love this family...it has caused many misunderstandings and quarrels between me and my 'dad'...i am always thought of as someone who do not love him and the family...am someone who only cares about her friends...SIGH...sad...my dad doesn't understand...he always gets angry with me...sad..]

Life is so different ever since i really accepted Christ...though in the first part, i wasnt as devoted...and i even 'disappeared' from Net (cell groups) etc for abt 1 yr...but since then...i fully devoted myself to God...i served in ministries...i joined the Youth Ministry...i really have great passion for the Youths...always wanted to be a good example to them.and also hopefully able to lead them to getting closer to God...took me another few years before i became a leader...now i'm a leader...really happy...but...the gap (age) between me and the youths are getting bigger...find myself so difficult to click with them...but still my heart for them is to see them grow...now i'm doing what God wants me to do...thereafter, i guess will be time for transition to a new season in my life..

I love God...i really really love God...and i also kow God loves me...and His love for me is Unconditional...i really thank God sooo much for being in my life...for already planning this life/path for me...though i'm not happy with this life when i was young...but i'm happy it turned out this way...cos...it's God's plan...i might not be happy with some areas of my life too now...but still...i thank God for everything...man can see me now serving the Lord..always busy myself with church stuff...even my dad...always angry why i spend so much time in church...many will also see me being so firm on having to find only equally yoked partners (many people chasing me...but rejected all one by one cos all non-Christians)...but they never really know and understand why...like i said...everyone experienced a different kind of background...nobody experienced my background before...that is why they never understand...i also believe very well that God WILL definitely bless me with a man who fears and loves Him...and someone who serves Him wholeheartedly...a man who has Christ-like characters too...a man who is spiritually higher than me...so that he will be able to lead me spiritually and not stumble me...so...yup...it's ok to reject those other guys...though many are good potentials...but too bad...they are not God-fearing...i really gave my all/my whole life to God...cos it is actually His...His creation...

I really hope and pray that one day my family (esp my dad) and friends understands why i devoted so much to God...i really hope and pray that one day, they will also able to be like me, taste the goodness and love of God...they will always receive countless blessings from the Lord...and in turn, devote their whole lives to God...if they open up their hearts, and let God mould them...they will know and understand why many of us Christians obey the Word...if one day my dad is able to open up and let God change him...i believe there will be more love within the family...less misunderstandings, esp on serving the Lord...really praying hard...

[anyway, don't think that i'm very holy or what...i also do live in a dark side of my life too...but...i really really thank God that i have Him in my life...without Him interfering...i believe i will turn to hate myself to the core...God is always there...He's always there to stop and prevent me from doing more wrong...He's always there to wake me up and take me away from the world...Thank You Lord! I believe that if God is not in my life...that will be the end of me...even how strict a dad i have, i think i wouldnt be able to control myself...cos i have no God...and the devil is in me...but cos i have God in me...the devil will not dare to attack me...in fact, i have God to attack the devil for me...so...God really saved my life totally!... =) ]

Ok...i think i really have to stop writing...late...need to sleep cos got work!!!

Btw, God has been faithful all along...been recently very financially tight...and i still give as what God spoke to me for Willing Offering...God blessed me back...despite the economic downturn...Thank You Lord...at least now God not only blessed me with what i gave, He blessed me to be able to pray for part of the school fees... =)

The Lord is GOOD! AMEN!

k will stop here...take gd care..hope this story of mine will leave an impact to you...and also sow the seed in you abt how great God is...

take care...God Bless and Love you!


Siging off...

Siyin - Ann

Goodbye 2008, Welcome 2009~

time flies...one year has passed...it was like not long ago that was the beginning of 2008...but...no...it's 2009 now...wow...

wonder if i had missed out anyting in 2008...maybe not...since there are so many activities going on the whole year...making the whole year seem so fast!

anyway...now already the 5th day of the year...things still feel the same...i'm as bz as ever at work...sigh...constantly worrying abt work...but...my love n drive to work hard is diminishing..sigh...why?long story...i remember i'm someone who loves to work much more than study...and if i'm on leave or staying at home doing nothing, i will feel uneasy...but now, that feeling is like gone! sigh...

guess it's time for me to change a new job...a new industry...a new environment...but how?this current economic situation is not the time...but...how?the answer is...PRAY and BELIEVE in GREATER THINGS from GOD! hee...

God has a great plan for me! Amen!

Anyway, in my 2nd last post on how my 2008 is like, at first i didnt noe how 2009 will be like, but now i think i noe a glimpse of it...it's from the Youth 09 vision...to raise leaders! I'm gona work all out to raise as many leaders as possible from Whampoa Net! I'm really happy to see the willingness of my net members...love them loads!

another is the Children Ministry...i'm gona put my heart for it!

there'll be more things to come...but i have no idea yet...haaa...but definitely i'm not only gona receive from the Lord, i'm also gona give whatever i have to the Lord!

anyway the past few days was quite fun...there's watchnite service on 31st dec 08...service, game and countdown etc...welcoming the new year with the Lord is great...however, a feeling of loneliness still struck me quite badly during the service...cos i reached late...so unable to find seats with the youths...so sat elsewhere...but cos after the break the mandarin congregation came in and took over the section where i sat (with yanzong)...so we have to find seats...the section where r7/8 youths were was too packed, so we couldnt find any seat...sat on the ground instead...feel like ppl didnt really care...or maybe cos it's me?wasnt always really remembered or cared at times by ppl...anyway am glad Lennie n Johnson sooo nice...offered to swap places with me and Hilary (she came to sit with us too cos more ppl shared the seats...so too squezzy, so she rather sit on the ground)...but we still made them go back to their seats...Thanks to the both boys...nice of them...then countdown came...in my heart, i felt happy that God has given me another new year to spent, and has definitely blessed me in yr08...however, physically, i canot feel much joy...didnt join in the fun the rest had, playing balloons and all...partly cos we were standing at the side and where the fun were was inside...all i did was smile (cos i can see their happy faces and the fun they had) and take some photos...though in my heart i feel sooo lonely n ignored...i'm definitely happy to see them happy! after watchnite was all nite youth activity...Movies n Makan...there are afew shows played concurrently...i was in the main sanctury...everyone had their own cliques etc...they walked around, talked around and have fun...but seem like i'm so detached from them (is it age? or me?), i sat alone at the whole row, staring at the screen which was playing Prince Caspian..tired afew times to walk around and find ppl to play n talk to...but seems like it doesnt work...even the sign ups or makan...nobody asked me along...so yah...decided to head home at 2plus am...thanks yanzong n johnson who wanted to walk me out but unable to cos JL needs to lock the place...so i headed out for a taxi myself...at first i wanted to walk for a distance first alone b4 taking a cab...but cos i'm carrying alot of things, and i'm tired...so i hopped on the cab soon after...following day...slept till 2.30pm...nothing to do..so slacked at home...till i really get bored...so asked ck out for dinner...thanks for the company...

anyway...sorry to be so emotional abt the above...but i juz wana let it out...i mean i shouldnt let this loneliness consume me...i really need to fight it hard...loneliness will still be there...but i must not let it affect my spiritual life...and most importanly...God is with me...so no matter how lonely...i'm actually NOT lonely at all...cos i have God! i canot let that unhappy feeling affect me or even affect others...really thank God for being with me always...cos if without Him and prayers when i'm facing those situations, i guess i might not be strong enough to handle it, and might leave all these and lead another life without God, and blame God and those ppl all my life...i really thank God i did not do that...He really taught me alot...Thank You Lord!

anyway gotta sleep...got class at nite...1st lesson...hope it's interesting...hee...

and thanks Zhi Wei for sending me a msg of prayers for my coming classes and my year ahead...really encouraging...

take care

God Bless n love all of u!